Oddball Spam Fics From Hell
by Chris Oddland
Summary: What happens when a guy with many screws loose in his head starts writing a series of spamfics? Trouble and madness that's for sure.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina. And the El Pollo Diablo gag belongs to Lucasarts® and is from the much enjoyable The Curse of Monkey Island™

**WARNING:**_Reading this fic may cause some serious brain damage to your common senses and might make you lose your sanity for trying to understand it! So just enjoy this little farce of a fanfic which is written by someone who doesn't seem to be that sane most of the time._

--

Chris Oddland presents: Oddball spam fics from hell

_--_

_Spam Fic 1:_ The Disciple of **El Pollo Diablo**

--

After a quite big accident involving getting struck into the path of a speeding train and then getting struck by a powerful bolt of lightning - Keitaro was never quite himself again, ever.

Especially since he had taken fancy of wearing dark clothing. Either a black leather jacket with spikes sticking out from various places and **666** sewn into the back while wearing a fitting black shirt and jeans, or a black robe with a cowl on it. There was also a rubber chicken hanging on his belt.

He was now wearing his leather jacket and strolling down the streets of Hinata in the direction of the Hinata-sou, a rubber chicken attached onto his spiked belt.

"The Apocalypse is upon us!" he yelled out in a proclaiming fashion, startling all the people around. "Beware the coming of the herald of Satan - The Great El Pollo Diablo!!"

People just ignored him as he continue to rant again and again about Armageddon in the form of a giant demonic chicken. When he realized that they were ignoring him - Keitaro became livid with unholy anger. He produced a small piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a shabby-looking pentagram on the concrete ground and placed several small candles around it.

He then sat down in a kneeling position, closed his eyes and began to chant in a guttural language spoken a long time ago by witches and warlocks who embraced the teachings of **evil**.

Keitaro's eyes began to glow green with energy as he opened his eyes as he spoke out the last words of the ritual. His features seeming now more alien than human. In that short moment Keitaro's face resembled more the face of an ecstatic demon from hell than that of man.

And in an instant they were there. Appearing out of a sinister black portal creating a rift through time and space itself. They were small. They had beaks. They were covered in feathers.

They were **chickens** - hundreds of them.

The only thing about these chickens that made them different from other poultry was the demonic presence and aura surrounding them. And that their blood-red glowing eyes were filled with inhuman cruelty and intelligence as they began their infernal clucking.

At first the people just laughed…. But seconds later the laughter was replaced with screams of pain, fear and inhuman terror as the chickens attacked.

Many ended up pecked into bloody pulps of gore by the razor-sharp beaks of the many demon chickens from hell who clucked in demonic joy as they swarmed against the mortals who had offended the great prophet who had summoned them from the very gates of hell themselves.

The moment their work was done here they returned from whence they came from. One by one they entered the sinister portal that closed when the last of their kind stepped through it.

Keitaro raised himself and walked in the direction of what his intuition told him was one of the fabled portals to Hell itself. And this gate to hell was named: **The Hinata-sou!**

He tittered evilly as he walked by the many dead corpses, ignoring them as if they were but air to him.

--

"Do you think it was right of you to hit Keitaro again?" Kitsune asked Motoko and Naru with an amused smile. "He was just cleaning the hot springs as usual, and you just waltzed out there wearing only your towels."

"He had it coming," Naru grumbled irritatedly as she lowered herself deeper into the warm water of the large hot spring.

"You know how perverse he is, Kitsune" Motoko interjected.

All three of them were currently enjoying themselves in the hot springs of the Hinata-sou, totally unaware of the coming catastrophe.

--

_The Hinata tea shop:_

"Master!" Keitaro exclaimed as knelt before his aunt in a bowing a grovelling motion. "You have appeared before your humble thrall in the form of my most wicked relative - My **aunt** Haruka!"

"Huh?" Haruka Urashima looked at him quizzically while resisting the urge to hit him. She hit him anyway…..

**SLAP**

"Thank you! My master!" Keitaro looked at her with a worshipping look while his left cheek had the imprint of Haruka's open hand. "I am but a humble worm compared to thy glory and power. Tell me: what is thy bidding, O Prince of Darkness and Lord of Hell?"

Haruka's eyes twitched slightly. "For starters you can go and patch up the dormitory….. again."

"As you wish, **Oh Grand Majesty of Evil!**" Keitaro exulted in glee and ran out from the tea shop with an aura of sinister eagerness upon him.

"What the _BLEEP_ is wrong with him?" Haruka muttered in an irritated way.

--

Keitaro immediately began to work on the damaged parts of the building, makeshiftingly patching up holes with the skills of a rank amateur trying to make barbecue for summer with napalm as a fuel source and plutonium as coal.

Several sharp-looking nails were protruding out of the planks he nailed to the holes intentionally by this deluded satanic carpenter, giving the impression that this inn was in fact inhabited by homicidal maniacs from a slasher flick on steroids.

He was also, by the way, chanting in an alien tongue. The mantra-like dirge of damnation echoed around the area, making plants whither and door sellers, who never seemed to take no for an answer, combust spontaneously.

Keitaro whistled (or tried to, I think) as he admired his work; then he put his tools back in his demonic toolbox of doom™.

Well, dear readers, the Hinata-sou had seen better days, even when it still had some holes around it. Let's just say that decorating the top floor walls of the building with barbed wire, as well as painting **666**s with a glowing green, blood-like ichor on all the outward walls, and mounting spiked bars in front of all the doors and windows, and screwing tight spikes on the outer parts of the roof, isn't something an architect with normal taste would do unless he/she took something he/she shouldn't have taken in the first place.

And also worthy of noting: a sinister black and grey rain cloud appeared slowly over the dorm's premises.

So the neighbours began to figure that something really wrong was happening here.

Maybe it was because someone was playing the crescendo like version of Duel of the Fates by John Williams in the background, without anyone knowing where the sound was actually coming from.

--

Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno yawned as she woke up from her catnap.

Naru had gone out to buy a new notebook for her and Keitaro's upcoming Toudai test and Motoko was out with her fangirls somewhere. She simply, having nothing in particular to do, took a small nap, after having finished dozing in the hot springs.

As she walked into the kitchen and over to the fridge to fix herself something sharp, unaware of that two spectacled brown eyes were gazing at her from the shadows.

The brain which was connected to said eyes, formed a large Las Vegas-style psychedelic neon sign saying: **Easy human sacrifice victim** with a arrow pointed directly over Kitsune who was singing a drinking song as she bustled up a killer cocktail deluxe.

Grabbing a rolling pin, the unholy fiend sneaked up on the unsuspecting alcohol consumer. And might a mighty bestial swing which only a man driven to the uttermost madness could manage - he simply missed.

Mitsune heard the swishing sound over her head and turned around swiftly.

But by that time her assailant had hidden the rolling pin behind his back.

"Huh?" was all she uttered.

Swiftly he grabbed a big watermelon which so conveniently lay there and smacked her right in the face with it.

A few minutes later a huffing Keitaro gazed down at the unconscious Ms. Konno; a watermelon imbedded neatly on to her head, with watermelon parts, juice and seed trickling over her clothes.

"Huzzah!" Keitaro exclaimed suddenly, invigorated by his success.

He knew that to curry favour with the denizens of the dark underworld of hell he had to sacrifice a woman of remarkable beauty and grace. He just hoped they wouldn't be displeased that said sacrifice tended to prefer **strong drink** and **blackmailing** for dough.

--

By some stroke of fate Naru Narusegawa and Motoko Aoyama arrived back to the Hinata-sou _at the same time_. Both of them had been preoccupied by something. Motoko by her fanhorde. Naru by the fact that she was up to some bowling, even though her usual gear was left in her room.

As they entered through the main entrance of the inn and into the living room - _they beheld something quite bizarre_.

Everything was almost completely dark hadn't it been for that the room was filled with lit red candles which gave a weak glowing light; and a skeleton named Betty with a melting candle on her forehead.

What really made their hair rise and send shivers through their bodies was the blasphemous ceremony taking place before them (which also almost made their hearts jump up their throats).

The small table in the living room had been converted into a tiny makeshift altar with a spread-eagled tied Kitsune in a black bikini tied on top of it. And over her stood Keitaro in his dark priest robes, his hands held high over his head. And in his hands he held the ceremonial sacrificial implement of his "choice". So basically a manically smiling Keitaro was whacking Kitsune over and over again in the head with a rubber chicken.

"OW!"

**WHACK!**

"OW!"

**WHACK! WHACK!**

"OWWWW!"

**WHACKITY-WHACK!**

"OUCH!"

As he saw them from the gloomy glows of the candles, his rubber chicken fell from his hands; he ran over to them and fell on his knees in front of them, grovelling and bowing in ecstatic glee.

"……….. ?" Was all the two said.

"O mighty dukes of hell, please take this humble sacrifice which I offer thee."

--

**The cont****inuation of this spam fic chapter has abruptly been halted due to the unstable nature of the fic writer and his macabre sense of humour……..**

Chris Oddland is seen struggling wildly in background in a straitjacket, hauled away by those nice men in white…….

^_^

Hehe! Wasn't that anti-climatic?

The next spamfic will be titled **Battlefield: Molmol**, where the fic writer in an absurd self insertion two shot declares war on Kaolla Su and her people, because she likes turtles (as meals), and assembles a miscreant army that the world has never seen before……


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina. Understand? I also don't own Battlefield: Vietnam and Battlefield 2 which also partly inspired me. And I don't own the cloning facilities from Kamino either. Or stuff from the cartoon MASK, G.I. JOE or Captain N: The Game Master for that matter. I also don't own any Gundam thingies. I don't own the characters from School Days, Clannad, Kanon and Karin either.

**WARNING**: _If you are continuing reading this madness - then I can not be blamed if you suffer serious brain damage by reading this knowingly written piece of satirical garbage. If this is just too disgusting to you - then just don't read it all. And the worst thing is that it's also a self-insertion! Another self-insertion from hell!!!_

_--_

Chris Oddland presents: Oddball spam fics from hell

_---_

_  
Spam fic 2:_ Battlefield: **Molmol Part 1 of 2**

_---_

It's not your average-day-happenings which takes place in the tropical island kingdom of Molmol - since it was a full-scale invasion taking place.

Several helicopters - UH-1 Iroquois Transports were approaching a very open area, landing and allowing the troops to rush out. And on a beach several patrol boats were unloading their live cargo.

"Go! Go! Go!"

The sounds of M-16 and CAR-15 assault rifles opening fire was heard clearly as well as the detonation of several fragmentation grenades and other grenades launched by the XM148 grenade launchers mounted on assault rifles as well as the M79 grenade launchers .

Meanwhile three M551 Sheridan tanks were shelling a building, being backed up by Mobile Artillery that emptied their deadly shells upon the vibrant jungle.

Several M48A3 Patton tanks were rolling over things and crashing through small buildings.

"Woooohooooo!"

And in another adjacent area an F-4 Phantom was dropping its napalm load.

_In the background Get Ready by Rare Earth was being played._

"Take that, you goddamn evil turtle-eaters!" a voice screamed in sadistic joy through the radio.

"Nutcase, please try not to napalm our own men!" Their leader complained as he cocked his Mossberg pump-action shotgun.

_--_

_Let us turn back time to explain the reasons for this madness..._

_--_

It all began when a group of hot spring turtles migrated to Molmol and settled down in this seemingly safe, tropical place.

Unfortunately to them, it was also the home of the crown princess and heir to the throne of this kingdom - **Kaolla Su!**

So she started a hot spring turtle cuisine delicacy trend in the kingdom.

_A flashback sequence shows the poor innocent turtles being captured by citizens of Molmol and Mecha-Tamas and being placed in camps - __**in preparation of ending up as meals!**_

Unfortunately for the princess there was but **ONE SINISTER MADMAN who could stop her!**

_--_

_  
A location which name will not be mentioned:  
_  
Yes, dear readers we are now in an asylum and heading for a padded cell containing a really bizarre personality.

Chris Oddland was making time fly by singing raunchy songs to irritate the nearby wardens (he got bored singing morbid, grotesque ones); being constrained by his straitjacket and having seemingly lost all traces of sanity whatsoever.

He could have avoided this by not hooking up his little brother's Playstation 2 to several gargantuan speakers and trying his luck on Singstar by singing Take On Me into the plugged microphone - since like Curious George, he as curious what would happen if he did this.

What happened afterwards is **censored** dear readers, and we will only mention that he ended up in an asylum because of his outrageous actions (like also trying to sing YMCA as well).

He began to sing another song.

"I remeeeember….doing the timeeeewaaarp!"

The wardens blessed fate for making the director running this coop issue them earplugs for their own safety.

_--_

_Sometime later…._

"There's a visitor here to see you!" the current warden proclaimed from the tiny slot in the padded cell door.

"Oh goodie! Whoever could that be?" Chris Oddland said to himself.

The cell door was opened and in entered a warden carrying a tiny baby tortoise in his hands.

"Happy!" Chris cried out cheerfully.

The tiny Testudo Hermanni just stared at him, while trying to wriggle herself from the firm grip of the warden.

"Your little brother allowed her to come and visit you," the warden informed him.

He then placed the tiny tortoise on the padded floor beside him and proceeded to free the happy lunatic from the confines of his straitjacket.

"Thanks!" Chris said and then picked up the tiny Happy and started petting her and occasionally kissing her on the forehead.

The guard took the opportunity to skedaddle and lock the cell with him outside and the prisoner (not surprisingly) inside.

"It was so nice of you to visit uncle Christopher, baby Happy, you don't know how infuriating it is to be locked up in here."

Happy just stared at him and wriggled a little in his hand. So Chris put her down figuring that she wanted to walk around a bit on the floor. And Happy then started to run around the place a bit and sometimes prodding her head against the padded walls.

Chris simply smiled.

That was because he liked tortoises and turtles. In fact he was considering travelling to the Galapagos Islands to meet Lonesome George and possibly stroke him on his head (hopefully the old chelonian wouldn't bite his hand off for that if he ever tried it).

So straightforwardly said: the fanfiction writer was content, for the time being, watching Happy explore his cell.

That was until the plot device decided to drop by and give our antagonist some news. It came in the form of a radio broadcast from a travelling show (hey, even guards have to have something to do once in a while).

……_..And now we are here in the sunny tropical country of Molmol, in the Pacific - or is it Asia? Where the newest national dish is a rare breed of hot spring __**turtles**__ has now been introduced by the crown princess….._

_--_

_Insert a happy radio commercial here._

_Are you a minion of the occult serving dark and sinister masters? (An evil cackle is heard)_

_Do you have a problem with prepubescent pipsqueaks serving the forces of good? (Many children's voices are heard talking about love and justice and an energy attack is heard in the background as well as the evil person screaming in terrible pain)_

_Then have no fear! For Evil 'R' Us has the solution to your problem!_

_It is the Magical Girl B Gone spray. Order now and you'll receive a free spray can containing various volatile (and very lethal) chemicals which with one-hundred percent efficiency will rid you of these troublesome pests without harming any bystanders whatsoever._

_(The dying wails of several magical girls are heard after a spraying sound)_

_See? They drop like flies! Amazing!_

_Just call the number 1-800-SITH-HAPPENS and we'll deliver this product to the front door of your sinister stronghold._

_Note: This product has Supreme Chancellor Palpatine's seal of approval, so there is nothing to fear!_

_--_

……_..And the escaped patient is still at large, after blowing up the asylum with thirty pounds of dynamite which somehow ended up in his, cell making his escape with a tiny baby tortoise who was the current visitor of mentioned asylum convict. Remember the person is to be considered armed and dangerous and possibly insane………. One of the wardens also witnessed the prisoner jumping up and down on a radio screaming "I'm going to kill you, Kaolla Su! And I'm going to rip out and feast on your living heart! Your country will burn for your heinous crime! So swears I, the Master of Evil!_

_--_

Chris Oddland was free!

Manifesting his author powers to bend reality to his maniacal will for the first time ever.

He clutched Happy in his arm and proclaimed: "Quickly, Happy! **To Kamino!**"

A sudden rupture in reality in front of him, tearing through time and space itself appeared and he and the baby turtle descended through it.

"Whoa! Stargate effect!" He cried out in awe.

_--_

Kamino had seen better days.

"That's strange? I thought the clone rebellion was supposed to happen a few years in the future?" Chris said, and took off his sweater and covered it around little Happy to shield her from the cold draft and the rain.

Parts of the city looked pretty wrecked and some buildings were still giving off smoke.

"And they had enough Republic funding to rebuild the place after the CIS attack on Kamino?"

He entered an entrance where the transparisteel doors were destroyed and mostly broken., since his self-imposed mission was to try to buy a small army of clone troopers to obliterate Molmol and its people from the face of the planet and save the hot spring turtles from being eaten by the Molmolians.

To bad he didn't have any money, but he was oblivious to this teensy-weensy, important detail at the moment. His mind was mostly burning brightly in a maddened fever with images of him striding blood-soaked over the wasteland that was Molmol, carrying Kaolla Su and her family's heads on a large pike shouting triumphant ululations to the dark powers which granted him victory over his enemies. The faces of the spitted heads were etched with inhuman agony, just to give you some more horrible graphical details which will probably make you feel a little uneasy.

_--_

"That's odd?" Chris said to himself and the tiny tortoise, who was struggling to free herself from Chris' hands.

Walls were filled with scorch marks from explosions and blaster bolts. The trail of destruction grew worse as he traversed through one of the many labyrinthine corridors. The seemingly sterile, cold atmosphere which the cloning facilities of Kamino had had, was now replaced with an atmosphere of dread and destruction.

_--_

"It's horrible! They're **everywhere!**" a Kaminoan cried out in frenzied panic.

"Wohoooo!" several voices cried out in joy

"Wahooo!" several other voices echoed the first cry.

"Booyah!" other voices exclaimed, trying to act cool, but failing miserably.

"Let's see what happens if we blow this stuff up?" One voice shouted in excitement.

"Okie-Dokey!"

It seemed that Kamino had made a dire mistake in seeing what would happen if they mass-cloned one of the most dangerous threats to reality.

Namely cloning a whole bunch of **Chris Oddlands!**

_--_

_Insert the beginning of Bach's Toccata in D minor here_

_--_

"Okay? So they cloned me?!" the original Chris said to himself and Happy as he leaned his head from the safety of a nearby wall leading to one of the dining halls for the clones.

The happenings that occurred before him can be compared to placing and army of malfunctioning Irken SIR units from Invader Zim in a large room and see what would happen.

The result?

Destruction on a large scale.

"I kne-e-w we-e shouldn-n't h-a-ave accelareted the agin-ng pro-ocess an-and ha-halted the-the accel-erated ag-aging **genetically on each and every one of them!**" A frothing Kaminoan ranted madly to himself (or was it herself?) while huddling in a secluded corner. The last part was exclaimed in a frenzied scream, by the way.

Chris simply grabbed the front of the Kaminoans singed robe and growled: "Foolish Kaminoan! What in the world were the lot of you thinking when you unleashed this catastrophe?!?"

The Kamioan simply started wailing in fear and horror after he said that. So Chris slapped the Kamioan to bring it back to his senses.

"Listen up, madam or sir, you are now facing the real McCoy here - and **I'm not happy** about some alien race trying to make an assembly line of mes!" He continued glaring at the Kaminoan and continued and said. "How much?"

"What?" the Kamioan said to him in surprise.

"How much for all the mes?" Chris said in irritation over explaining things.

"You're actually willing to buy them?" The Kaminoan exclaimed in puzzlement and barely withheld joy.

"Yes," Chris said simply.

"By the stars! It's a miracle! Someone's actually wants these abominations!" The Kamioan cried out in ecstatic joy and started dancing around and waving its arms here and there. "They're free - by the way," the Kaminoan added.

"Free?" Chris looked puzzled and said: "You're actually desperate enough to get rid of them, so that you are willing to give them away?"

"YES!" The cry of several Kaminoans in hiding echoed across the many corridors.

Chris smiled like he was Beelzebub himself in a spiked mini leather thong and carrying a big shiny trident. "Do I get any weapons for free as well?"

The Kaminoan went into a thoughtful moment of introspection and the answered: "Well there is the armoury where we got all that wrongly addressed, primitive junk from a by accident; and we really need the occupied space for our new shipments of weaponry and vehicles."

Chris started chuckling evilly as he rubbed his hands together. "Well I guess I've got to gather the troops then……"

_--_

"Who's this bozo?" muttered one Chris as their attention was turned to one Chirs standing on a large podium.

"Greetings, fellow Chrises!" Chris Oddland said out loudly.

"Enough with the big speeches - what do you want from us?"

With a booming and melodramatically emphasis Chris said aloud: "A dire atrocity is happening on the Earth in the vile lands of Molmol. Thousands of innocent turtles are taken captive by the foul and wicked people of Molmol and devoured without conscience by these foul island degenerates who care not for their innocent chelonian captives…."

A giant holographic screen was suddenly projected before the clone masses - vividly displaying the plight of the hot spring turtles.

The crowds were silent as Chris continued. "…Therefore we must embark on a noble crusade to free our little green friends from the evil that preys upon them to fill their disgusting bellies with the flesh of turtles."

He looked at the other Chrises who were filled with unholy anger over the treatment of the turtles. "So - are you all with me?"

"**YES!**" The legions of clones roared out.

"**DEATH TO THE MOLLIES!**"

"**SAVE THE TURTLES!**"

"**BURN THEIR FOUL COUNTRY TO THE GROUND AND SOW SALT IN ITS ASHES!**"

"THEN HERE IS THE GUIDING LIGHT THAT WILL LEAD US!" Chris cried out and held tiny Happy aloft in front of him.

"**HAPPY!**" All of them cried out in joy over seeing the little baby tortoise.

"Yes - 'tis Happy. And she wills it that we, the legions of Christophers free her fellow chelonians from the clutches of the abominable Mollies that prey on them!"

Taking a deep breath Chris then suddenly cried out aloud: "Know you all that Happy wills it that we save the turtles!"

The air was then filled with the sounds of. "**HAPPY WILLS IT! HAPPY WILLS IT! HAPPY WILLS IT! HAPPY WILLS IT!**"

"THEN LETS ROCK AND ROLL!" Chris Oddland cried out holding Happy in one arm while holding his other up in the air with his fist clenched.

(Knowing how I am, It's dead certain that a long speech wouldn't catch their attention. So I'm glad for last minute improvising.)

_--_

On Earth Mitsune Konno was happily reaching out for a bottle of sake when the table suddenly began to shake violently - resulting in that the bottle came crashing on the floor and spilling shards of glass around.

"This is a bad omen…." Kitsune mused.

Meanwhile Keitaro was launched by the kind courtesy of his love interest Naru Narusegawa and sent crashing into the Tokyo University like a ballistic missile on a joyride that crashed through several floors and wall and into Seta's office – Seta was minutes later seen carted of by the ambulance with several fractures and all sorts of bodily harm while a sheepish and unscathed Urashima Keitaro stood in the background looking embarassed.

"Naru's really gonna kill me this time!" he said.

Meanwhile behind him a furious Sarah was readying a pickaxe to strike...

_--_

On a sunny tropical day in the beautiful island paradise named Momlmol the royal family received a quite simple letter.

It read: To his royal Majesty and the Royal Family of the monarchy of Molmol……

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR YOUR IMPENDING DOOM FOR WE ARE COMING ASHORE TO FREE THE HOT SPRING TURTLES AND REDUCE YOUR FIENDISH KINGDOM TO A PILE OF _HEAVILY CENSORED_ RUBBLE!

WE THE GRAND ARMY OF HAPPY HEREBY DECLARE WAR ON THIS COUNTRY FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST TURTLEKIND!

AND IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FACT THAT WE WANTED THIS MESSAGE TO BE SHORT WE WOULD ALSO PILE A LOT OF VILE INSULTS AGAINST THE LOT OF YOU!

Signed: General Chris "The Merciless" Oddland

As the Prime Minister finished narrating the contents of the letter, alarming news erupted of an invasion.

_--_

_Several armed patrol boats beached themselves around several beaches on the coast of Momol and began spilling out loads of armed infantry._

_Some M113 APCs also landed ashore and ran over dozens of cute couples making out on the sunny beaches, now making them piles of non-cute stiffs._

_Military installations were victims of attack from squadrons of F-4 Phantoms, A-7 Corsairs and AH-1 Huey Cobra helicopters._

_Hundreds of M551 Sheridan battle tanks were transported by transport helicopters on the beach heads._

_--_

"By the Gods of Molmol! What is happening?" The king cried out as his ministers and officers came with vital military reports of the situation.

"It seems they have broken through our forces and are rampaging around the besieged areas like an army of locusts.

_--_

"It ain't me, It ain't me - I ain't no senator's son son….. It ain't me, it ain't me - I ain't no fortunate one………." General Nutcase was singing while he led his swarm of air forces.

"Nutcase! Stop singing through our radio network!" The head general roared through the radio.

Chris had begun to regret making this clone a general in the army; it seems the nickname "Nutcase" was a fitting name for this sadistic maniac.

"Whatever!" Nutcase replied indifferently and then switched to the channel used by the air force, "Okay, men - proceed with Operation Barbecue!"

"Yes sir!" Several clones hailed their leader.

_--_

"Gung Ho, how's the situation?"

"It's a nice day for shootin' Mollies, boss." The general answered through his field radio. A M79 grenade launcher and a fully loaded M-60 lay beside him.

Radio communication was suddenly deafened by thunderous detonations.

"Looks like our cavalry is having fun blowing up stuff with their battle tanks."

"Please tell our engineers to stop using that old Mollie statue of one of their ancient kings as target practice for their mortars, will'ya?"

"Errrr- I think it's a little too late for that." Gung Ho muttered sheepishly as several engineer troops were rolling the statue's decapitated head down a small hill and sending it crashing into a small Molmolian hut. The engineers were then seen running for their lives from the old woman who lived in said hut brandishing a broom.

_--_

"Screwball, here," A voice was heard from underneath a M151A1 MUTT jeep accompanied by the sound of tinkering and bolts being screwed tight. "I'm currently busy fixing my ride so I can go around and run over people."

"Screwball!" The voice in the radio roared.

"Yeah, yeah!" Screwball muttered sourly as he crawled out. "I know that you're the original, so ya have ta order us around!"

"Cut the sarcasm, general!" Interjected Chris Oddland, wondering if Jango Fett ever had the urge to bang his head against a wall. "How goes Operation Liberation?"

"Trigger Happy and his men got it covered…….."

_--_

The sound of helicopter rotors filled the air around the main Royal Molomolian turtle farms.

General Trigger Happy hands tightened around his M-40 Sniper Rifle. Thinking about the plight and sufferings of the hot spring turtles made his blood boil. In fact it made the blood of all of them boil. That's why they were in this godforsaken part of the world in the first place - to save the turtles and blow stuff up.

"Okay - here's the plan: the main group make a parachute drop onto our main target while the rest land their transports to help extract the prisoners."

"Well, general - there's a teensy-weensy problem!" the pilot said.

"And that is?"

"While the most of us know how to fly these things, we kinda forgot to pay attention to the lessons on how to land these flying contraptions…" the clone pilot answered sheepishly.

"**WHAT?**" was heard flying through the air over the sound of the flapping rotors.

So the clone army was then forced to improvise with style.

The Chinook carrying the general as well as a Sheridan battle tank underneath it followed by three other Chinooks carrying Sheridans as well landed in a small clearing, while the Huey Transports and Gunships followed by the Huey Cobra advanced.

_--_

_The Main Turtle Farm:_

"Myuh! Myuh Myuh! Myuh!" the tiny baby hot spring turtle begged for its life as the Molmolian royal chef sharpened his knives.

"Don't worry, li'l one," the chef said, "you'll turn out to be an excellent meal for my customers - especially the royal family!"

The little tied up turtle stared at its captor with tiny black pleading eyes.

The cries of "Myuh!" echoed throughout the buildings. The cries came from the imprisoned turtles who were locked up in small, tight cages littered around the compounds, filled with small turtles unable to move, frightened and crying out for someone who could help them.

"Myuh!" the little turtle cried out as the chef advanced upon it with raised butcher knife, closing its eyes as it knew that it would follow the same doom that befell several of her kin.

That was until a clone private kicked the door in, carrying an M-16.

"Bye-bye, Mollie!" was all the astonished chef heard before he got gunned down by a burst of rifle fire.

Outside the sound of gunfire and explosion were heard as scores of paratroopers descended on the compound, opening fire on anything human that moved.

Ironically most of the pilots driving the helicopters were among those dropping down by parachute, leaving several unpiloted transport helicopters to come crashing down on things. One helicopter crashed into a guard tower, while other came crashing down around the place hitting several things, while fortunately not hitting anywhere where the turtles were being held.

"It's **showtime!**" Trigger Happy roared out and trained his M-40 at a Molmolian chef and nailing him in the forehead with a lucky shot.

"Eat lead, Mollie!" another soldier cried out and mowed down a security guard with his Mossberg 500 shotgun. "This….. is……. my…. **Boomstick!**"

The Sheridans crashed through the gate and fences opening death upon all that stood in their way.

All in all - **it turned into a total massacre!**

_--_

After the deranged madmen had gunned down every human being, with extreme, gleeful prejudice, on the farm, the hot spring turtles were released from their cruel confinement.

"Myuh!" the li'l baby turtle chirped happily while lying on Trigger Happy's head. The clone general smiled and gave it a tiny slice of banana, which the little turtle greedily devoured.

"Sir!" The medic saluted sharply, "We've treated all the hot spring turtles and provided them with much needed provisions."

"Then I think it's time we blew this joint, soldier."

_--_

_Insert another happy __radio commercial here._

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_Dalek in My Pocket™_

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_(Listen to the satisfactory sound of evil villains ruling over evil kingdoms laughing cheerfully as the tiny dalek zaps a magical girl to oblivion!)_

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_Note: this product has Supreme Chancellor Palpatine's seal of approval. After sending over hundreds of full-sized daleks to get rid of a "pest problem" in the Jedi Temple - he has now warmly approved of our reliability as one of the dark sources of all evil gadgets, minions and thing-ma-jigs._

_--_

_Meanwhile on another battlefront…_

"Run!" one of the Chrises cried out as a large metal foot crushed a Patton battle tank, squishing the Chris Oddlands inside into crushed stiffs.

"Goddamn goddamns!"

This "goddamn" as this Chris so aptly put it is your average day, army surplus gundam ordered on Ebay as one of the trump cards of the military of Molmol.

"Open fire!"

Several of the ad-hoc assembled anti-armour division, if indeed they could be called a division, opened fire with their LAWs, lobbing hundreds of rockets at the mechanical monstrosity.

In the background Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival is played during the battle. But it's a mindboggling mystery even to the crazy clones why somehow music appears from nowhere.

Unfortunately the rockets didn't seem to make a scratch on the metal plates of "goddamn whatsitsname" as the mad clones called it.

The "goddamn" then proceeded to destroy any Chris that got in its sites. Even blasting it with hundreds of shells didn't seem to stop it. That was probably because the gundanium metal alloy made it seemingly invincible compared to its many low-tech adversaries.

In other words: This might turn out to be a bad day for the army of sociopathic clones. Bad as in they were all going to die!!!

Screwball swore heavily as his jeep narrowly avoided a ray blast.

The clone manning the TOW missile launcher swore heavily as the missiles bounced of the thick gundanium hide.

--

"Looks like we have to call in the big guns!" Chris Oddland groaned.

The invasion force had established an intermediary HQ in a very hastily evacuated beach hotel on their beachhead.

To bad that it was so badly guarded that the elite crack squad of the Royal Guard of Molmol managed to spearhead an assault.

"Damn! Out of shells!" Chris cried out and threw the shotgun point-blank into the face of a charging adversary, probably disfiguring him since he threw the thing with all his might.

Somewhere in the dark corners of the mind of Chris something stirred as the Royal Guard closed in for the kill. And that's always a bad omen for everyone.

A flash of light erupted around him and temporarily blinded his would-be slayers.

Through the blurry haze they could barely make out a hand holding a Nintendo Zapper. Two blasts of energy erupted from the muzzle, literally and graphically zapping two royal guardsman into oblivion, old video game style.

"Not again!" Chris groaned in complaint when the revelation came that he was dressed like Captain N, the Game Master. He smacked himself on the forehead in an attempt to punish his brain futile as it may be since it seemed to have life of its own.

When the royal guard brought their high-tech laser rifles to bear on him, he had to swallow his pride as usual and utilized the power pad to zigzag from left to right and then pressed the A button to jump up in the air and making a spectacular Super Mario headstomp on an elite guardsman's head. Then he used the Select button to trade places with another royal guard, resulting in that he got blasted to death by friendly fire. Finally pressing the Start button everything froze in pause mode around him.

"Nice!" Chris exclaimed.

"Whoah!" a bandaged Chris clone also exclaimed, "I'm not frozen solid!"

"Me too!" another and another and another chorused together.

"Do you have the same thought I do?" Chris asked while smiling as evilly as he possibly could.

--

When time finally was unfrozen again the only thing the royal guard found in the building were them and a lot of time bombs with their electric counters reaching zero just that moment. And they just discovered that their advanced body armours had been covered in plastic explosives as if maniacs playing with playdough had decided to cover up parts of human beings for fun.

--

"Scratch one bunch of mean Mollies!" Chris grinned satanically as the hotel turned from a luxurious beach hotel into a smoking crater in just a few seconds after a cacophony of thunderous detonations.

The madmen clones around him made a cheer since they survived to fight another minute. They then promptly shut their traps as the towering Gundam lumbered swiftly in their direction.

"Let's see what happens when we cover its legs with plastic explosives and other timed charges!" A clone said eagerly

"Yeah, but we used up all we had on us!" one interjected.

"Awww!" the bunch groaned and slapped themselves on the forehead synchronized. "Why do we have to be a bunch of maniacs lacking foresight now!"

Chris then decided to go with the plan previously thought of before the hotel ambush.

(Hmmm... I wonder what the B-button does?) he thought, eyeing his power pad belt. Deciding to take a snowball's chance in hell he ran for the closest communication outpost tent that wasn't burning. As he pressed the B-button he began to make like greased lightning and then managed to crash into a tree. As he was trying to peel himself out of his predicament the power pad started beeping while the power ran out.

"Ow!" was probably the only non-pathetic sounds that came from him while the other cries and groans of pain sounded like all the cries and groans of pain use to sound like from everyone else.

--

A lot of minutes later Chris was inside of a tent working on an 80s style sci-fi computer.

"Satelite link. Interface with headquarters. Select best-suited agents for this mission." He said.

_Ayu Tsukimiya: Eating taiyaki and running away without paying the tab. Catchphrase "Uguu!". Vehicle code-name: Rhino_

Ayu was running towards her boyfriend Yuichi Aizawa who was holding a paper bag with taiyaki, when she suddenly heard the beeping of her wristwatch and saw the MASK signal.

"Uguu!" she uttered.

Yuichi's face turned blank in total confusion as Ayu ran past him, nabbing the bag of taiyaki in the process..

_Kenta Usui: Scary eyes. Good-hearted do-gooder. Vehicle code-name: Gator_

Work at Julian's was pretty quiet today. Kenta was manning the register while his mother Fumio and girlfriend Karin were serving the customers. His watch then began to beep and flash... Minutes later the two waitresses and the manager were surprised that Kenta was not at the register and several customers in line had piled up.

_Yohei Sunohara: Resident punching bag and nutcase. Vehicle code-name: Firecracker_

Yohei was about to charge at Tomoyo Sakagami when his wristwatch started beeping. Taking a quick glance on it he let out a roar and charged. Tomoyo readied herself for some kicking action. As Sunohara closed in he made a wide turn across her and ran roaring past. Lashing out with a kick that never connected Tomoyo tripped and had a confused look on her face as Yohei ran away.

_Makoto Ito: Two/triple/quadruple-timing player. Firecracker co-pilot._

Makoto ignored his ringing mobile phone and diverted all his attention to the flashing and beeping wristwatch.

As Sekai Saionji charged in with a kitchen knife ready to strike. Makoto was nowhere to be found since he had already run off.

Minutes later Kotonoha Katsura arrived and a bloodbath of epic proportions came to be..

_--_

Chris jumped into his vehicle, a flying Chevrolet Camaro fighter jet, called the Thunderhawk and grabbed the Ultraflash mask from the seat.

_"_Why didn't you use the Spectrum mask?" a voice from the active radio crackled.

"I didn't like it. And this mask gives me a Darth Vader kinda look."

"Has anyone told you that you're crazy?" the radio operator Chris said.

"Here we're all crazy," Chris replied to his clone as he strapped himself in and switched Thunderhawk into flight mode.

_TBC..._

_In the next chapter we get the conclusion of this spamfic of undeniable madness!_

--

Just thought I'd post this to get this thing moving. Any criticism and corrections are appreciated.


End file.
